The Enneagram Feeling Triad: The Pain of Shame
Welcome back to the wonders and mysteries of the Enneagram and the 9 Personality Types. If you missed the introduction to The Enneagram you can catch up on what it is and how it works by reading this and please don’t forget to subscribe (if you aren’t already) to assure access to future articles. Today however, we are going to discuss Types 2, 3 & 4, which make up the ‘Feeling Triad’ or ‘Heart Centre’. Feel free to play along to see if you identify any of the types as your most dominant Personality Type.
A misconception here would be to assume that the Types in Feeling Triad are totally feeling based and that is how they operate and flourish. In fact, those in the Feeling Triad actually often have the most distortions and dysfunctions in how their feelings are expressed. This is because their primary wound is shame, which is a powerful emotion that primarily effects the heart / feeling centre. The three types in this Feeling Centre were formed as three different defence strategies against the pain of shame.
What is shame and how does it come about?
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” - Brene Brown
Author and Public Figure Brene Brown has emerged as an expert in understanding Shame through her clinical research. Here is how she describes it:
"First, shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging. Connection, along with love and belonging (two expressions of connection), is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection — it's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I'm not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I'm unlovable. I don't belong.”
An article in the Scientific American beautifully describes how shame arises and clearly differentiates it from guilt:
“We feel shame when we violate the social norms we believe in. At such moments we feel humiliated, exposed and small and are unable to look another person straight in the eye. We want to sink into the ground and disappear. Shame makes us direct our focus inward and view our entire self in a negative light. Feelings of guilt, in contrast, result from a concrete action for which we accept responsibility. Guilt causes us to focus our attention on the feelings of others.”
As children we are often made to feel shame as parents and peers respond to our natural impulses with strong negative responses such as that of disgust, anger or humiliation. Acts such as disobeying parents, stealing another kid's toys or stripping off and running around naked are a natural part of learning where the societal boundaries are, but they often end up being traumatic experiences for the developing child.
This is of course entirely understandable and natural given the societal norms parents and by extension their children are expected to adhere to. And of course, there are healthy levels of shame that encourage a child’s development into functional and socially acceptable members of society. If a child is to flourish it needs to know what is ok and what is not ok within their society, or else they may be outcast and the amount of shame they will feel will be tenfold.
So, some accumulation of shame is natural, but the problem arises if the child isn’t taught how to discharge the shame they feel. Then, shame, like all unprocessed emotion from trauma, resides in our physical body and is said to be the heaviest of the emotions energetically speaking - it ranks the lowest on David R Hawkins map of consciousness. Bret Lyon, PhD puts it this way:
“Shame, like trauma, puts the body in a freeze state and lowers the ability to think and act clearly. Shame feels like a fog or cover, something that is external, that makes it hard to function. I think of shame as developmental trauma. Usually, it is not a single shock to the system, like an accident or a hospitalisation, but a series of more subtle shocks, a slow drip, drip, drip that disrupts normal functioning and creates feelings of isolation and powerlessness.”
How does Shame create the Feeling Centre Personality Types?
When the ego of the developing child experiences the pain of shame, it seeks to understand why it is experiencing such pain, because that’s what the ego does - it seeks to understand. And when it inevitably can’t understand it makes up a story about why it is in pain. If this story is repeated enough in a child's early development (between ages 0-7) this story becomes a “core belief” about themselves. These core beliefs are the foundation of the Personality Types.
Those whose shame leads them to believe “I’m unlovable” tend to become Type 2’s (The Giver). Type 2’s compensate for this belief by trying to earn love through acts of kindness and generosity. Those whose shame leads them to believe “I’m not good enough” tend to become Type 3’s (The Achiever). Type 3’s compensates for this belief by proving their worth through success and accomplishments. Those whose shame leads them to believe “I don’t belong” tend to become Type 4’s (The Individualist). Type 4’s compensate for this belief by leaning heavily into what makes them unique so they stand out as someone worthy of love & attention.
These three Feeling Types are all looking for mirroring, recognition, validation and attention in particular. As young children, we don’t have the capacity for self-reflection so we need to see ourselves reflected in our parents and peers eyes to figure out who we are. If what is reflected back isn’t positive we feel a deep sense of deficiency, shame and emptiness.
The Feeling Types later life in large tries to compensate for this shame, by seeking attention and validation in others and being overly concerned with their self-image. Type 2’s are externalised with their feelings and try to ‘earn’ attention and validation. Type 3’s are disconnected from their feelings and tend to ‘demand’ attention and validation. Type 4’s are internalised with their feelings and tend to ‘withdraw’ as a means to attract attention and validation.
What strategies are there for each type to deal with shame?
Knowing which centre we are operating is an important first step toward the specific strategies for dealing with shame.
Type 2’s grow and heal shame when they incorporate the behaviours of a healthy, self-nurturing & emotionally aware Type 4. To do this they must practice self-acceptance, prioritising one's own needs, creating healthy boundaries and letting go of expectations of others.
Type 3’s grow and heal shame when they incorporate the behaviours of a healthy, cooperative and loyal Type 6. To do this they must practice self-assurance, authentic expression, mindfulness and showing vulnerability.
Type 4’s grow and heal shame when they incorporate the behaviours of a healthy, objective & principled Type 1. To do this they must practice self-discipline, avoiding getting lost in feelings and negative self-talk and taking decisive action with meaningful work whether or not they are “feeling good”.
Are there any general strategies for dealing with shame?
Self-compassion is the ultimate strategy for dealing with shame. Recognising when you are looking at yourself in a negative light and immediately replacing that energy with the energy of love and acceptance. Let yourself know that it is ok, that you understand and that you deeply love, accept and forgive yourself. In doing this you should immediately feel the tension and discomfort caused by the feeling of shame dissipate and fade away.
Shame can also be released if you externalise it publicly in a loving container - with a trusted loved one or trusted professional. Shame, like mould and rot, only survives when it is locked away and hidden within, where it can fester. When your trusted allies help you realise that there is nothing to be ashamed about and that you are loved either way, the poisonous energy will die.
As mentioned earlier shame is the heaviest of the emotions and like all trauma it resides in the body. For those who have a lot of past trauma relating to shame (as I do/did), it may be necessary to discharge that shame with some form of healing technique. There are likely several techniques that could help, but the ones that have worked for me are, deep breathwork, psychedelics, guided healing meditations / shamanic journeys such as those done by certain kinesiologists, energy healers and shamans.
Final Words
If you are a feeling type you will feel the truth of the words relating to a Type 2, Type 3 or Type 4 resonate within your heart space. Pay attention to this. Truth resonates. The more those in The Feeling Triad listen to the subtle intuitive messages of their heart, the more they will grow and flourish. Type 2’s will become more altruistic, empathetic and unconditionally loving. Type 3’s will become more self-assured, authentic and inspirational. And Type 4’s will become more profoundly creative, inspired and expressive.
Whether we are in the Feeling Triad or not, we can all learn something by investigating and understanding each type, because ultimately they all exist within us to some degree. They also represent the personalities of our friends, neighbours, colleagues and family members, so knowing their type will only bring greater empathy and understanding to our relations with them.
Look out for future articles on the Thinking Triad and the Instinctive Triad.
With love, Your Friendly Neighbourhood Shaman
