Dreams & Shadows: An Exploration Into My Unconscious

5 Feb

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” ― C.G. Jung

During my year of inner transformation and investigation into the processes that lead to personal growth there is no one subject I came across more than that of ‘The Shadow’. The term was coined by the famous psychoanalyst Carl Jung to describe the unconscious aspects of our personality. These are the deep, dark parts of our psyche that our conscious minds are not aware of, but nevertheless control and affect our personality and behaviour in every waking moment. Most are not aware of their shadow and dare not look for it, as it is where all their shame, pain, guilt and trauma lies. We all have a shadow.

Our psyche is split in two from a young age; conscious and unconscious; light and dark. As a child we explore our personality within the environment we are brought up in and our psyche automatically pushes aspects of our personality into the dark that threaten our basic needs; physiological needs; safety and security needs; and needs for belonging. Aspects of us that are encouraged and deemed acceptable by our peers (other children & siblings) and superiors (parents, elders, teachers etc.) are kept in the light, while aspects that our peers and superiors discourage or react negatively to are repressed and shunned into darkness. Here they are forgotten, but nevertheless remain part of us, spontaneously emerging in certain situations like a wild disembodied spirit and influencing everything we do, including our decision making, our likes and dislikes, and our personality and behaviour. Here are some signs of your Shadow in action that you can consciously become aware of:

Reactivity (snapping at people or situations)
Projection (judging someone/something negatively when the aspect you judge is within you)
Aggression or submissiveness
Excessive positivity or negativity
Emotional numbness
Eroticising unresolved wounds and unmet needs (e.g. acting out unhealthy power dynamics with sexual partners)
Dehumanising others
Over-tolerance of others’ aggressive or harmful behaviour
An exaggerated need to please or be liked
Self-sabotage
Refusal to say that we’re sorry or saying sorry excessively (more excessively than the average Brit)

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung

Shadow Work is the process by which we consciously shine a light on those dark, hidden, unconscious elements of our personality so we can understand, accept, heal and integrate them back into our conscious personality. It is a vital part of personal growth. There are several different approaches to shadow work, which you can look into (I’ve suggested some resources below), but the simplest gateway I found was to watch your emotional reactions to people and situations. What makes us sad, angry, distressed, shocked, frustrated, disturbed or scared can reveal very important information about ourselves. In these moments (or later that day while the memory is fresh) we must ask ourselves “What am I feeling?”, “Why am I feeling this?” and see if our mind produces the answer. If an answer comes then we must bring a loving awareness and acceptance to the memories and feelings produced. Sometimes answers don’t come, but that’s O.K, we can continue doing further work or adopt another approach. Shadow Work is a process and it requires time and patience.

When beginning my own shadow work I first reflected on myself and thought about what personality and behaviour traits could in any way be perceived as negative or limiting. Everything I was and have been able to perceive so far related to my Ego / Survival Mind, but the first thing that came to mind was: “In opinionated discussions or arguments I think I know best, and that I am almost always right. There is an arrogance in believing that your word is gospel.” O.K. great. I was consciously aware that I have this behaviour trait, but was unable to consciously generate the reason why. As far as I knew, this was just part of my personality, so what was I meant to do about it? I acted like this unconsciously after all. Well what I had here was the surface of the problem, the mould if you will, not the underlying root cause of it. If I was to truly integrate this shadow aspect of myself I would have to go deeper. I would have to journey into my unconscious.

“Our dreams are like windows that allow us to look into that psychological process that is continually going on in our unconscious.” ― C.G. Jung

According to Jung the most powerful way to do Shadow Work was to analyse our dreams, as to Jung dreams were not random images produced by random firing of neurons , but an integral natural process by which the unconscious mind communicates to us. The problem is that nobody is taught the language by which the unconscious mind speaks; the language of symbolism. To aid my investigation I bought a book called “Inner Work: Using dreams and active imagination for personal growth” which was written by one of the most respected studies of Jung. Inner Work gives you an insight into the nature of our psyches and practical steps by which we can record and analyse our dreams. And no sooner than the second night of reading this book and recording my dreams into a bedside dream journal did I have my first breakthrough.

In the dream I was a brilliant detective. I sported the classic beige trench coat with matching fedora and remembered feeling quite cocky and impressed with my skill set. I was summoned to a large house where I met with a client - a woman (her identity was concealed) who gave me a mission. I can’t remember what I was initially told to investigate, but I remember getting straight to work in her house; inspecting things closely; moving furniture around; basically following my nose for any sort of clues. Eventually I remember standing on a step ladder to investigate a light fixture on the balcony overlooking the lobby area, and remember playing with the light. I managed to bend the beam of light from the fixture to shine onto the glass door to the house, which created an unusual glint on the windowpane. “Hmm, by golly I’ve got something!” I thought. Upon inspection of the windowpane I was suddenly looking through to the front garden of my father's house in Margate, England; the home to which he moved after my mum and dads separation. “Holy shit! This case is about me? That broad is hiding something from me!” I thought. I immediately ran up the stairs to confront the lady, only to find out that she was in fact my mother. She claimed to know nothing of the mysterious glint and my father's involvement, but I was suspicious to say the least. Soon after, I woke, and was able to put things in a bit more perspective. What was immediately obvious was that my mum had some information about my dad, possibly from the time of their separation and divorce, that could be useful in my conscious investigation into my shadow. I decided I would call her in the morning.

I was obviously quite lucky with this dream, as its imagery was quite sensical and straightforward, but most other dreams are more complicated to decipher. Anyway, the work didn’t stop with the dream. Before I went to sleep again I engaged in active imagination, which is another form of communication with the unconscious, but instead of being asleep, you are awake. When I closed my eyes after writing in my dream journal I was presented with a blank canvas (an image generated by my unconscious) and so I decided to consciously interact with the canvas (the active part) by painting onto it. My unconscious generated a broad brush and green paint, which I brushed onto the canvas with thick heavy strokes. With each stroke I felt a kind of serenity and peace wash over me, as if I was being healed. Furthermore a familiar tune started to articulate itself in my mind. I hummed it until I remembered what song it was; Constant Surprises by Little Dragon. Some words also articulated themselves in my mind; “No Compromise”. Perhaps they were lyrics to the song? I decided I would play the song as soon as I woke and then I would call my mum!

Second Verse & Chorus, Constant Surprises by Little Dragon

“The higher forces want to connect

Last night in my dream I was talking to you

You know who you are, were you dreaming too?

Coming my way

Some call it coincidence

But I like to call it fate.”

BOOM! Freaky, exciting stuff. The lyrics in this verse quite plainly seemed to be speaking directly to me. And not only that, they seem to be speaking to our nature to palm off meaningful things like this as “coincidence” without really considering the alternative idea that they may not be a coincidence at all. Without considering the idea that seemingly random events in physical reality could actually be orchestrated attempts at our unconscious to communicate with us. And where does this idea of trivialising things as “coincidence” actually come from? Who told us that when cool, unexplainable things happen they are “just a coincidence” and we shouldn’t give them any further thought? It seems we humans tend to trivialise and ignore anything we don’t understand, which is a shame, because perhaps coincidences are things that we should pay close attention to. Perhaps they hold great meaningful realisations for us within them.

“I shall not commit the fashionable stupidity of regarding everything I cannot explain as a fraud.” ― C.G. Jung

Anyway, no sign of “no compromise” in the lyrics, but onto the phone call with mumsie. I give her a ring and tell her that I want to hear about her reasons for separating with dad, for not going to live with him in Margate and her experiences with him during that time. Having long gotten over that rough period, my mum was quite happy to get into the details - most of which were unfamiliar to me, as I never asked before and my mum never wanted to burden us with the heavier stuff as children. She went into great detail about how difficult a person my dad was; how controlling he was; how emotionally manipulative he could be; and how there was never winning an argument with him. It was always, without exception, his way or no way. He was undoubtedly a victim of his own Shadow. My mum went on to say that “your dad never compromised. He believed in “no compromise”. Weirdly I didn’t pick up this detail at the time; I was obviously too involved in the conversation, but yes, my mum did clearly say the words that I had written in my dream journal the night before - wow! I asked my partner what that could mean, and she kindly revealed to me that my dad's “no compromise” behaviour might have rubbed off on me. And it slowly dawned on me that that could be true. It’s funny how you are often the last person to realise the similarities you have with your parents.

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” ― C.G. Jung

After that realisation I cast my mind back to the memories that could have spawned this behaviour. My dad’s love for me and my sister was large and I could feel it when he was at his best. But it was conditional. We had to play by his rule book, to the letter or else he would retract it and threaten to never give it back until we stepped back in line. Naturally both me and my sister would do something to upset his order and he would in no uncertain terms lay down his law in person, or quite often, with the dreaded email - his preferred method. For a long time I attempted to stand up for myself against what I saw as injustices, by formulating very considered and articulate counter arguments to his. I felt I understood what was fair and right in the situation and I wanted to have my point of view heard. I wanted to be understood. But by engaging in this high stakes emotional chess I found myself playing an impossible game. He would never back down. I would always have to concede if I wanted to have caring dad again. With that he had me checkmate every time. Eventually I grew above this low level debate and let him have his way, secretly knowing I was holding a higher ground, but the imprint was made. For better or for worse, from then on I had the power in me to debate or argue a point till the cows came home, because I was always able to find a perspective by which I was right. And if I was right, it meant the other person was wrong. I wasn’t able to accept their perspective as valid.

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it.” ― C.G. Jung

After discovering how these experiences with my dad were still influencing my behaviour to this day I was of course stunned, but I also saw very clearly how this shadow naturally came to be. It was a survival mechanism and in head to heads with my dad it was a strength. The alternative would have been to develop a submissive shadow that today might have looked something like my avoidance of conflict altogether. Either way it would have been a beneficial trait to have then, but now as an adult, no longer in such extreme verbal conflicts, it is a hindrance. With this realisation, I knew that the power this shadow had over me was severely diminished. I was able to find the unconscious motivation to the shadow that I was consciously aware of, and so I am now able to meet this shadow aspect of myself with love and integrate it back into my personality. We do not reject our shadows, we integrate them. And with this, we become more whole and complete. I can even feel that what was a potential weakness could eventually become a real strength if I continue to notice and tame the shadow’s impulse. Instead of engaging in an argument for argument’s sake and pushing it to the nth degree, I can push myself into the perspective of the other and maybe, just maybe, find a way to compromise.

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” ― C.G. Jung

References & further material:

Introduction to Carl Jung - The Psyche, Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious

Introduction to Carl Jung - Individuation, the Persona, the Shadow, and the Self

The 3 Stages of Shadow Work - Great breakdown from teacher Aaron Abke

Nice article on how to recognise the Shadow in you

A Definitive Guide to Jungian Shadow Work: How to Get to Know and Integrate Your Dark Side

Shadow Work: The Ultimate Guide

Shadow work: 8 steps to heal the wounded self

Carl Jung, the Shadow, and the Dangers of Psychological Projection

Carl Jung: What is the Individuation Process?

How To Become Whole (Carl Jung & The Individuation Process)